Do You Feel Invisible in Social Spaces?

This Bitch Matters. You matter.

Where do I begin?

How do I explain the overwhelming responsibilities that have ingrained their existence into my daily living such that the only outlet I consider a worthwhile adventure to appease this drain that I feel, feels like an overcompensation? Why do I feel guilty for doing the things that I want to do? Why does my existence feel like a burden to me?

Recently, I have been examining the lifestyle of young people in metropolitan cities like Lagos. Eww. First of all, I hate who I have become. One of those people that consistently write about Lagos like it is the only place in this country that is worthy of recognition and documentation. Anyways, I have noticed this thirst, and hunger for individuality and identity that such cities drive their population to pursue. The intense pressure to be something. To stand out. The search for gratification, acceptance, and recognition has been interwoven into the personalities of the majority that they have sought to extremity, either in their professional or personal lives just to feel some sense of priority. To feel something.

Do you feel the same way too?

So here’s the thing, there’s no quick fix or ‘solution’ to this feeling of invisibility. You have to feel it all out first and address this emotion. Where is this coming from and how can I manage this? I think a better approach is not to define it as something that you need to fix or change, because, in this fast-paced, socially-conscious society that we now live in with so many new things coming up every day, there’s a tendency that it may never fully go away. So here’s Ugonna’s approach to managing invisibility in social spaces, or at least the ones that have worked for me.

1. It’s not you, it’s not ‘them’ either: There’s no one to blame for your feelings because the me vs them victimization mindset is often the easiest route to take. Everyone else is just another human being like you too, trying and making an effort to have some impact or presence as well, but the difference between them and you is that they are at least making the effort. Blaming other people for the way you feel especially when they have not directly impacted you in a negative way is a way to escape accountability as a person. It also makes you internalize a grudge against other people because you envy them for their ability to have a presence and take up space. Underneath all of this, the real question is, who do you want to be present for? Who do you want to feel your presence? It is all a bit performative because indirectly most of your effort will be directed toward making other people see you as important. It all becomes an act in the grand scheme of things.

2. Choose your fighter: If you know that your struggle with social spaces, I recommend that you always have something that always makes you feel good and confident about yourself. It does not have to be anything extraordinary and its worth isn’t determined by its price but by what it means to you and does for you. Something that excites you as a conversation starter. For me, my shoes are my fighters. I invest in great shoes that complement my personality and make me feel confident. I like to make jokes that I might look like a mess, but I’ll always have great shoes on. For you, it could be your voice, your vocabulary, and the way you weave through words, your laughter, your eyes, your legs, lips, collar bones, piercings, or tattoos. It could be any and everything that you want it to be, but you need to identify it first. However, this does not mean that without these things, you cannot be or feel at your best. These are temporary aids that can propel your growth into conquering or completely managing social invisibility.

3. There’s only one of you in the world: It is easy for us to question our existence in this world while forgetting how intentional our entry into this world is. No matter how invisible we may feel, we can try to remember that there is only one of us. Only one Ugonna, a woman, 24, playful, with the best pop culture references, likes platform shoes, experiments with her hair, full-time foodie, loves to dance in front of the mirror, thinks music is the language of love, has large eyebags and scars in places that only she knows their story, shaved off half of her brows at 8, sprained her ankle while jumping down from a water tank stand, cried the first time she used a school bus and has had other silly experiences. They are all mine and yours is all yours. Sure, they might be similar to that of others, making it not seem as special or unique as you thought it was but you are the only one who has and can tell your own story. You are one of a kind. The problem is that at this time, we try so hard to be seen as ‘special’ in comparison to the generalist standards viewed through a myopic lens while neglecting and failing to harness our unique gifts. Special is subjective. You determine what special means to you and own all of you. Own it.

Own it.

In the words of Doechii, This Bitch Matters. You matter.